


But I Love You

by eyeless_soul



Category: Mötley Crüe
Genre: M/M, Sensitive!Tommy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-01
Updated: 2014-03-21
Packaged: 2018-01-14 05:00:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1253764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyeless_soul/pseuds/eyeless_soul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tommy Lee has a secret. Will he tell Nikki how he feels or just bury his feelings for the sake of their friendship?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I knew that I loved Nikki from the first time that I saw him. He had the look and the attitude that I had always thought that rock stars should have. It was the _I’ll do whatever I want and fuck you if you think that’s a bad idea_ attitude. That was why if I had a plan for something destructive, Nikki was right there with an idea that was ten times worse. It became apparent pretty quickly that a part we were dangerous but together we were lethal.  
  


He’s the reason I have Mighty Mouse on my shoulder and Mayhem covering my torso. He encouraged me to get my first tattoo, which was just the beginning. At this moment in time I have a much bigger problem then what new tat I should have on my skin. I realized that not only do I love Nikki but I’m IN love with Nikki. I know that no matter what if he found out it wouldn’t end well.  
  


He walks into the room and I pretend to be reading a magazine that I found on the floor. The last thing that I needed was to be caught staring at his ass. I hear him clear his throat so I look up.  
“T-Bone, I’m glad to see that you’ve found something to read but you must be having a hard time with it.”  
  


He’s smirking at me, that lop-sided smirk that is sexy as hell so I know that he must be up to something. I look at the magazine I’m holding, not noticing anything odd. “No. Why?” As I talk I pull the cap off of my half-empty bottle of Jager.  
  


Nikki steps forward so he’s right in my personal space. Normally I would relish the opportunity to be this close to him but right now he’s making me uneasy. Before I can stop him he pulls the magazine out of my hands. “Tommy, it’s upside down.”  
  


I shrug and drain the bottle of booze. I’m hoping that he’ll just chalk it up to me being drunk. I shudder to think about what he would do if he knew the truth. What would any of them do?  
Vince would kick me out of the band or at least have a meeting behind my back and turn everyone against me. I know that Nikki would be thoroughly disgusted. How many times had we laid completely naked together?   
  


Maybe I should explain this. Nikki had a really shitty childhood. I’m not trying to turn this into a pity party; I’m just stating simple facts. I think that his fucked up childhood is one of many factors that contribute to the way that Nikki is.  
  


Me, I just like attention. I love being naked, I love being held and I love the feeling of warm skin against mine. Nikki doesn’t sleep with anything on so when he crashes with me we’re naked. I’m absolutely on cloud nine when we sleep together (no sex) and he lets me hold him.   
  


At night, after he’s asleep, I hold him close enjoying how easy he seems to breathe, enjoying the curve of his body and how perfectly he seems to fit against me. It’s during those hours I can pretend that he loves me. I know this isn’t healthy but at the same time I can’t help it.  
  


I’ll be the first to admit that Nikki is attractive. Even when Nikki was at his worst I still thought that underneath it all was a beautiful man. For me, it’s more than just looks; anyone with eyes (and a nose) can tell you that eight days without a shower, or three months wearing the same clothes isn’t pretty. But I will say that he is beautiful.  
  


And now he’s sitting right next to me and damned if he didn’t smell like Gardenias. I figured that must have been in my head. I lean over and try to subtly smell him. I should have known that there was no way that was going to work.  
  


Nikki backed up. “Man, what are you doing?”   
  


I shrugged. ‘Yeah, like he’s really gonna believe that I didn’t know that I was smelling him? Sure. And maybe he’ll have a reasonable explanation as to why he smells like a flower. After all I may believe that scents are not gender specific but he does. “You smell good.”  
  


Nikki scrunched his nose. I guess that was the wrong thing to say. I mentally smacked myself in the forehead, I should have made up an excuse; I should have told him that he had a bug in his hair or something to that effect. That he would have believed and be marginally okay with. Not the other pitiful excuse that I blabbed; man, why do I have to be so pathetic?  
  


I shrug it off and feel awkward. I love Gardenias especially if I’m homesick or miss my mother; the Gardenia is her favourite flower and it’s mine ever since I was small. As I looked at Nikki something seemed to change. I didn’t know if it was the alcohol or what but his eyes seemed softer, he nodded his head and now I’m thoroughly confused. Had I spoken? I couldn’t remember. Much to my surprise Nikki sat closer to me on the couch and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. His smell was intoxicating, he smelled so good.  
  
“I’m sorry man I had no idea.”  
  


Once again, I had no clue what the hell he was talking about. I clamped a hand over my mouth as I realized that I must have spoken out loud. I relaxed and laid my head on his shoulder. Before I could really comprehend what I was doing I was drifting off to sleep.  
  


I had half expected to wake up alone; propped up by pillows or something to that extent. What I hadn’t expected was that I would wake up to Nikki playing with my hair and talking to Vince and Mick. I pretended to still be asleep that way I could listen in on what they were talking about but also so I could lean against Nikki. Something I rarely get to do.  
  


Nikki was talking and since I had moved closer to his chest I found the thumping of his heart combined with the deep rumble of his voice comforting. Never mind the fact that he still smelled like my favourite flower. I kept my breathing even.  
  


“I think that something is up with T-Bone.”  
  


I heard Mick shift in his chair. “Why do you say that?”  
  


Nikki threaded his fingers through my hair. I had to use every ounce of self-control that I had not to moan and push into his touch. “He’s been acting really off lately and I don’t think that it’s all about being homesick.”  
  


“Do you think it’s drugs? Maybe too much alcohol and not enough common sense?”   
  


I mentally scoffed; leave it to Vince to make everyone think that I was doing drugs. Once again I could feel Nikki shift, he was trying to get more comfortable (I presumed without waking me up). A tear slid down my cheek before I could stop it.   
  


I heard Mick sigh before he spoke. “He’s crying.”  
  


I felt Nikki thumb the tear away as gently as he could; I also felt him take a deep breath. “He’s been doing that a lot lately.”   
  


I was shocked; if I had been crying in my sleep I wasn’t aware of it. And that was the only time that I could have been crying. I’m naturally sensitive but I work really hard to keep my emotions in check around my friends. Don’t get me wrong, they’re all a great bunch of guys but they wouldn’t understand and I’m pretty sure that Nikki would be the first one to make fun of me.  
I stirred slightly; I had decided that enough was enough. Nikki moved the hand that he’d been using to play with my hair.   
  


“Look who’s finally awake.”   
  


I smiled, sat up and yawned. If Nikki knew that I’d been faking it he didn’t show it. Mick gave me a look; it was a look that I was very familiar with. It was his way of telling me that we needed to talk.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mick and Tommy talk. Then Nikki and Tommy talk.

Later that afternoon Mick found me. It’s not like I’m hard to find. I’m either causing shit with Nikki, getting incredibly wasted with Vince or I’m beating the shit out of my drums.  
  


Mick stood in the doorway watching me for a minute before he came in. Mick is usually the voice of reason. He’s the go-to-guy when things get tough. I don’t know why; that’s just the way it goes sometimes. I mean when management is acting like dicks and you knew that going to Fred would result in something getting broken; it was Mick that you could go to.   
  


I stopped beating on my drums. “What’s up Mick?” For reasons unknown to me my heart started to speed up, my palms got sweaty and I could feel the sweat beading on my forehead.   
  


Mick walked all the way into the room and settled himself in a chair. “When are you going to tell him?”  
I faked confusion; there was no way that he could be talking about what I thought he was. As far as I knew nobody knew how I felt about Nikki. I had played it cool. I acted like I was perfectly happy being his best friend, even though I desperately wanted to be more than that but I knew that it wasn’t worth risking a friendship for.  
  


“When am I going to tell who what?”  
  


Mick smiled at me. I could tell that he could see right through me; he knew that I knew exactly what he meant. “Come on Tommy. You can’t lie worth shit and you know that. So when are you going to tell him?”  
  


I stood up and walked over to him. “I can’t tell him ever. I know that he doesn’t feel the same way and I would rather never tell him how I feel then have him hate me, make fun of me, be disgusted or worse. No way man.” I shook my head.   
  


“I’m sure it won’t be as bad as all that. He’s worried about you; he’s not sure what exactly is going on but he has a pretty good idea,” at the look of panic I gave him he added, “or at least he thinks he does.”  
  


I was shaking my head again, “You can’t tell him.”  
  


Mick looked at me, his eyes full of concern. “Is that why you think I came to find you? So that I could threaten to tell him? Come on T, you know me better than that.”  
  


I shrugged, I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to risk coming off like a complete ass. The fact was that I was so used to having to be secretive or having people around me to use me and nothing else, that I was afraid that was what Mick was doing now. But my heart told me Mick wouldn’t do that; if he had wanted to do that he wouldn’t have waited until now to do it.  
  


“Tommy. We know how you can get sometimes. I know that keeping this a secret is killing you. I think that you should sit down and tell him exactly how you feel. I’ll make sure that nothing happens to you. I promise you, you will not get ridiculed or kicked out of Motley. But I do think that it’s important for you to tell Sixx.”  
  


I was touched that he was willing to do that for me. I couldn’t think of anyone (aside from Nikki) who would do that. I figured since he’d been willing to do that for me it was the least that I could do.

“Okay. I’ll get him alone tonight and I’ll tell him.”  
  


Mick smiled. “Good luck, T-Bone.” As he walked out of the room, I sat back behind my drums. Of course I had told him I would do it but deep down I think that even Mick knew that I had no intention of saying anything to Nikki. I beat the shit out of my drums in a vain attempt to make to make myself feel better.  
  


I must have been really into my beat because I hadn’t heard anyone come in but the next time I looked up Nikki was standing there, hands in his pockets, staring at me like he had no idea what in hell I was doing. I stopped pounding on my drums. “Hey Nikki.”  
  


“Tommy.”  
  


I could see the suspicion in his eyes and for one terrifying moment I thought for sure that Mick had lied to me. I thought that he had told Nikki everything. In that moment I could see my career vanishing, slipping through my fingers and there wasn’t anything that I could do about it. I could feel my eyes becoming wet, I was going to start crying and there was nothing I could do to stop that either.  
  


The worst part was that Nikki just stood there, hands still jammed in his pockets, looking like he expected me to say something but I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t speak around the lump in my throat. I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. I took a deep breath and tried to talk again but once again nothing came out. I was nervous, so I sat there, mute, sweaty and shaking.  
  


Nikki stepped closer; he was standing less than a foot away. As he stood looking into my eyes I could feel the first tear slip from them. Nikki’s eyes softened and he walked around to my side of the drums. He took the drumsticks from my hand and lifted my head up. I can’t say for certain when I had stopped looking at him and had found the floor interesting.   
  


“Tommy, what’s wrong?”  
  


I shook my head. I couldn’t understand why he was acting this way. “Nothing.”  
  


Nikki shook his head. “No way, man. I just talked to Mick and he said that you wanted to talk to me. So I walk all the way down here, just so you can tell me it’s nothing?”  
I sighed, so Mick had tipped him off. I decided right then and there that the next time I saw Mick I was going to beat him into a bloody pulp. “It’s just Mick fucking around I guess.”  
  


Nikki let go of my chin; I thought that I had successfully managed to lie. I thought that with that we could go back to the way that we had been. But I could tell by the way that he was looking at me that we weren’t through yet.  
  


“What do you call that?”  
  


“Call what?”  
  


“Tommy, a five year old, can lie better than you. That and I’ve known you since you were 17. If I can’t tell when you’re lying, what kind of friend would I be?”  
  


I sighed. “It’s nothin’. It’ll work itself out.” I picked up my sticks, hoping that Nikki would get the hint that as far as I was concerned the conversation was done.  
  


Apparently Nikki had other ideas. Nikki’s not a small man by any means and I know that he can have a pretty quick temper but even I didn’t see it coming. He grabbed the sticks out of my hand and tossed them across the room.   
  


“Tommy, I want to know what’s bothering you. I’m not leaving until you tell me.”  
  


“Fuck this.” I walked around the drum set and hurried to the door. Nikki grabbed my arm and yanked me back into the room, closing the door and locking it. “What the fuck, dude?”  
  


“Sit down.”  
  


I was furious. I hadn’t felt this angry in quite awhile. I wanted to beat his head in with my bare hands. I was the one yelling and he was as cool as a cucumber. I didn’t want to sit; I didn’t want to be rational. I wanted to scream and punch something. In short I just wanted to throw a temper tantrum.   
Last week if someone had told me that I’d have Nikki alone in a room with the door locked I would have laughed at them. Only because, at that point, me and my twisted imagination would be thinking of all the crazy, nasty things we would be doing in that room. Now I just wanted to be left alone. When I refused to sit Nikki pushed me so that I was sitting in a chair.  
  


He knelt in front of the chair. “Like I said, neither one of us is leaving until you tell me exactly what is going on with you.”  
  


All I could do was sit there shaking my head. I wanted all of this to be a bad dream, I wished that I would blink and suddenly find myself in my own room; anything to get away from this situation that had no choice but to end badly.  
  


I could see the thunderclouds forming in his eyes. I knew that he would try to keep his temper but I also knew that he Nikki being the way that he was; he would only put up with my silence for so long and then he would resort to violence. I knew that this wasn’t just Nikki’s way of dealing with things; this was the way that we all dealt with things. It was the only way that we knew how to deal with anything. I would be the first to admit that it wasn’t the best way to handle any situation, but when management isn’t any different I didn’t understand how they expected us to change. Now I was staring into his eyes and wishing that he’d just give up and go away. I knew that there was very little chance of that happening.  
  


Nikki put both of his hands on my knees, causing me to involuntarily jump. He raised an eyebrow.

“Tommy?”  
  


I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and prayed that my pulse would slow down and that I would be able to tell him exactly what was wrong with me without being a stuttering mess. I opened my eyes and put my hands on top of his. I saw his look of concern and knew that I had to tell him before I gave us both a heart attack.  
  


“Nikki. I love you.” I closed my eyes as I readied myself for the rejection and comments of disgust that I was sure he would spew at any moment. What I hadn’t expected was that he would laugh.  
  


“T-Bone, you’re an idiot. Here I was thinking that there was something really wrong and you’re just telling me something that I already know.” He clapped me on the shoulder, still laughing. “I love you too.”   
  


At that moment, I knew that it was a lost cause. “Not what I meant.” I muttered. I thought that I had said it quietly enough that he wouldn’t catch it; but judging by the shocked look Nikki had caught what I said.   
  


“I think I know what you mean but I want you to tell me.” He said slowly.  
  


I knew that it was either now or never. “I love you. I don’t think that there was a time that I didn’t love you.”  
  


Now I wanted him to say something, anything. Even if it was how disgusting he thought I was and that he wanted me out of Motley Crue. I would’ve even settled for getting punched in the face or beaten until I was an unrecognizable heap of blood. But he didn’t do that; instead he did something that I saw as much worse. He stood up, backed away from me, unlocked the door and left.  
  


 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy once again talks to Mick. Nikki calls Tommy and they talk.

We didn’t speak for almost a week. When I tried to talk to him after rehearsals he always had something that he had to do. I felt so lost; I had known that telling him was a mistake. It got so bad that I sat down and had a talk with Mick.  
  


He wasn’t hard to find. He was beside his car in the parking lot just getting ready to leave. It was no secret that rehearsals took a lot out of him and he was usually sore and tired afterward.  
  


I opened his car door for him. “If you want I can drive you home, I want to talk to you anyway.” I knew that he wouldn’t refuse; I knew that he was exhausted and that he would probably use the forty minutes that it would take to drive him home to nap.  
  


An hour later we were sitting in his living room. “What’s this about Tommy?”  
  


I was fidgety but at the same time I was shaking. I felt my heart beat speeding up. And judging by the look that Mick was giving me, he probably figured that I had some very bad news. “It’s all gone to shit, man. I did what you suggested; I told Sixx how I felt and he walked out on me. It’s all your fault. I would’ve been perfectly happy living in denial but no; you had to plant the stupid idea of telling him in my head. Now I’m pretty sure that I lost my best friend. And I’m almost certain that if I don’t get kicked out of Motley that Nikki would either intentionally or unintentionally make it miserable for me. What am I supposed to fucking do now, dude?”  
  


Mick sighed, “Okay, the first thing you’re going to do is calm down. You probably know Nikki better than anyone. If he tries to force you out I’ll go head-to-head with him. As long as you want to be a part of the Crue, then you’ll stay exactly where you are. If you want; I’ll go talk to Nikki.”  
  


I just sat there shaking like a leaf. This was not the way that I had wanted things to go. I knew that Mick was waiting for me to answer him. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. I hate confrontation and I really wish that people could just get along. I nodded; knowing if things did go sour between Nikki and I; at least I would still have a friend.   
  


Mick stood up, walked over to me and put his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry. It’ll all be okay; trust me. Now I’m really, really tired. I am going to bed. You can drive my car to your home and pick me up in the morning. You parked your motorcycle in the underground garage; right?”  
  


“Yeah.”   
  


“Okay, then it’ll be fine. I’ll see you in the morning.”  
  


I nodded. I was half-tempted to ask Mick if he needed anything before I left but I knew better. Mick is a very private and quiet person. I didn’t want him to feel cornered or like I thought he couldn’t do something. So I walked out of his house, closing the door behind me.  
  


By the time I got home the light on my answering machine was blinking. I pressed the button and automatically I heard Nikki’s voice.  
  


“Hey Tommy, it’s Nikki. I think that it would be beneficial if we talked. So please call me when you get this message. Bye.”  
  


For a few minutes I just stared at the machine. I was at a loss. I decided that it was time to man-up. I would call Nikki, and if we fought, then at least I would know where I stood. With very unsteady fingers, I dialed his number, when it rang for the seventh time I was about to hang up. Then as luck would have it, he picked up his phone.  
  


“Hello?”  
  


“Hey Sixx, it’s Tommy.”  
  


“T-Bone. Did you get my message?”  
  


“Yeah. When did you want to talk?”  
  


“As soon as possible.”  
  


I tried to swallow around the lump in my throat. I couldn’t help the sick feeling I had in my stomach. If I wasn’t careful I was going to vomit. “I could meet you now.”  
  


“Great. My place or yours?”  
  


“Mine?” I desperately wanted him to agree. I was a wreck at the thought of what he could have to say. I wanted to be near my Koi pond. The sounds of the water flowing through the filter, the lazy way they would swim, sometimes bumping right into each other had a calming effect on me. I really needed that.  
  


There was a pause over the phone. “Okay Tommy. I’ll be there in about ten minutes.”   
  


“Okay man, see you then.”  
  


“Yep. Bye.”  
  


I hung up the phone and waited. After about two minutes I couldn’t take it anymore, so I went into the kitchen and started the coffee maker. What I really wanted was a shot of Jager but I figured that could wait until after Nikki and I talked. I knew that I would need the alcohol more after he left.  
He didn’t bother to knock on my door. He knew that if I was home the door was unlocked. I chuckled as I realized how many times he had found me passed out beside or under my Jager machine.  
  


“T-Bone, where are you?”  
  


“Kitchen.”  
  


He walked into my kitchen and I tried to memorize everything about him. I knew in my heart, that this was probably going to be the last time that I saw him and was able to speak to him; so I was determined to make the most of it.  
  


“Coffee?”  
  


Nikki smiled. “Sure.”  
  


He was quiet as I poured the coffee, and while I put the milk and sugar on the table. Once the coffee was prepared I made the suggestion to sit by my fish. Nikki gave me this really weird look but didn’t object.   
  


I sat holding my cup and watching my fish. I was petrified. For a while neither one of us spoke, it was almost as if we were both waiting for the other one to speak. Finally Nikki spoke.  
  


“I don’t want you to talk; I just want you to listen. I’m sorry that I acted like an asshole but I was trying to process what you had said. I understand the amount of courage it must’ve taken for you to tell me. You’re my best friend and I hope that will never change.”  
  


I shook my head. I couldn’t bear to hear another word. I was about to interrupt him. I wanted to tell him that he didn’t have to put us both through this hell. All he had to say was whether he wanted me out of the band or not. I had almost completely stopped listening to him. I was lost in thought and watching my Koi repeatedly bump into one another.  
  


A snapping of fingers in my face let me know that I had drifted off too far into my own mind almost completely tuning him out. I had known that I had a tendency to do that; it came with the habit of being easily distracted. Although at this point that had not been my intention. I shook my head again. “I’m sorry Nikki, I didn’t mean to space out.”  
  


Nikki smiled and I could feel my heart melt inside my chest. It was ridiculous how this man could affect me with just a simple smile. “I know man. It’s all good.”  
  


I knew that what I was about to do was probably incredibly stupid but I had to do it. I had to know that if I quit Motley Crue or got kicked out that I had done what I had wanted. I leaned forward almost as if I wanted to share a secret with him but instead of whispering in his ear, I kissed him.  
When the kiss ended I saw his wide eyes. He wasn’t exactly sure what to make of what I just did, wasn’t sure how to react. I thought for sure that he would punch me; I was glad that he didn’t. At the same time I was mentally holding my breath. He hadn’t said anything or even moved. “Nikki, could you please say something?”  
  


He licked his lips and ran a hand through his messy hair. When he still failed to speak I was sure of two things. I was absolutely positive that our friendship was over and judging by how fast my heart was pounding in my chest; I was going to have a heart attack.  
  


I must have awakened something in him because at first he smirked at me and then he kissed me back. I felt him press up against me; he put his hands around my waist and pulled us into a standing position. I wanted to have him right there but one of the few areas of my brain that was still working pointed out that the floor probably wasn’t the most comfortable places and that Nikki being the control freak that he was, if there was going to be any fucking (which at this point I highly doubted) he was going to fuck me.  
  


When we finally broke for air he looked surprised. “What?”  
  


He shrugged, “I’m not sure where that came from.”  
  


As I looked at him, he looked scared. It was like Nikki Sixx and his alter ego Sikki Nixx had left, leaving just Frank behind. And Frank was more often than not, scared shitless when it came to the world around him. I wanted to hold him tightly and somehow manage to convince him that everything was okay. I smiled; trying to get him to realize that everything was just fine.  
  


Nikki shook his head. I knew that although I was fine with my sexuality, I had the feeling that Nikki was less than sure. I didn’t want to make Nikki feel as though he didn’t have a choice or make him feel pressured. I knew that Nikki very rarely (if ever) did anything that he didn’t want to do.  
  


“Nikki what’s the matter?” I kept my tone even, I didn’t want him to think that I was angry.  
  


Nikki seemed to snap back into himself. “Nothing. I just…” He took a deep breath. “I don’t know how I feel.”  
  


I had never seen Nikki looking so at odds with himself. It was an unusual look for him; this was mainly because for as long as I had known him he had been strong and self-assured. I cracked a smile; I didn’t even care if I didn’t really feel it.  
  


“That’s okay. If you need some time to try and figure things out I can wait. No matter how long it takes. Take all the time you need.” Despite what I said, despite the smile that I wore, I could feel my heart shattering. I knew what that sentence meant; it was the equivalent of ‘’I love you, I’m just not in love with you.’ To me that hurt worse; then if he had just told me that he didn’t feel the same about me as I did about him. I knew that if I wanted him to believe me I was going to have to be patient.  
  


Nikki, on the other hand, looked shocked. I knew that the answer I had given him was not what he had been expecting. But in all honesty, I loved him with all my heart and would never do anything to hurt him. And I really would wait for him forever.  
  


“I’m going to go. I’m not mad or anything. I need to clear my head and try to sort things out. I’ll call you later.” Nikki said as he turned to leave.  
  


I nodded; the only thing I wanted to do was hold him close and somehow convince him that I would protect him. But I knew what he needed right now, more than anything was his space. I could feel my heartbreaking as he closed the door, leaving me alone and feeling completely miserable.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy and Nikki talk....again.

Vince and Mick figured something was up when Nikki blew off rehearsal. Lately we as a band had been doing well. Everyone had been showing up on time and more or less sober. No one had been throwing temper tantrums or diva fits. They had all a good to save the drama for the music videos, and then Nikki called and said he wouldn’t be able to make it to the studio.  
  


Vince was clueless as to what had been going on between Nikki and I. Mick knew that we had talked, but I never told him what the result of our conversation had been. So, while Vince ranted about how that was just like Nikki, Mick just sat there staring at me.  
  


I pretended not to notice. Mick knew just as I did that if I let on that I knew that Mick was staring at me, probably knew why and definitely knew what the look he was giving me meant, then I would look guilty; even though, technically I hadn’t done anything wrong.  
  


Vince finally stormed over to Mick. “Is that asshole going to show up at all?”  
  


It took everything I had not to go over and bloody Vince’s face. He was always doing shit like this. I guess Mick is either really good at reading people or he just knows me really well because he shook his head. “No. You can leave if you want to.”  
  


In dramatic diva style Vince pushed his hair out of his face, nodded like he was doing us a colossal favour and walked out of the room.  
  


As soon as he left I rolled my eyes. Vince could be such a princess at times. I would be the first one to admit that he’d gotten a lot better but like anything that is a habit it takes forever to get rid of and every so often you find yourself slipping back into the same bad habit.  
  


Mick smiled, “You told Nikki how you really felt, didn’t you?”  
  


I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. I’ve rarely seen Mick smile and when he has it’s been one of the most terrifying things I have ever seen. It just seems unnatural and almost demonic the way he smiles; it always sends shivers down my spine.  
  


“And?”  
  


I shrugged. “And I think that it may have ruined our friendship. I’m not going to say anything else about it.”  
  


He nodded. He knew, that Nikki was probably sitting somewhere, being just as conflicted. I knew that Mick must’ve been thinking that because of the look on his face. Mick made it a habit not to let any of us know what he was thinking or feeling. I can’t say that I blamed him; it was like telling a bunch of kids that you didn’t feel well, it wasn’t like we would’ve cared.  
Suddenly Nikki just walked into the room. I was surprised but Mick just smiled. I had the feeling that Mick had somehow been behind Nikki’s sudden appearance, I tried not to appear too happy; all I wanted was to hold him, even if it meant that that would be the last time that I would touch him.  
Mick got up and limped out of the room. I stood up and walked over to where Nikki was standing. I had dreamt of this moment time and time again but if there was one thing that I learned it was that however pretty and well-played-out things seemed in my head, they never stayed that way.  
  


For a few minutes we just stood there staring at one another. I guess we were both waiting for the other one to speak. After what seemed like an eternity he finally spoke.  
  


“I don’t know what you expect me to say. As far as I was concerned I had always been straight; and then you kissed me.” He ran a hand through his tangled hair. “And I started noticing the little things that you do for me. I had always thought of you as my brother. Now, I don’t know. I guess you’re still that but now you’re something more.”  
  


I was definitely confused. “Nikki, what the hell man?” Even I flinched back; that had come out a lot harsher then I’d intended. I figured that I should correct myself before he left again. “What I meant was that I’m a little confused. First you said that you didn’t feel the same as I did, then you kissed me. Now, I want to know; do you feel the same? Either you do and that just scares you and that’s why you’re unsure or you don’t and you’re not sure how to tell me. So pick one.”  
  


I stood there waiting for his answer. I was mentally preparing myself for the rejection that I was sure was coming. A part of me was glad that all of this was finally going to be over. I was getting tired of the back and forth game we’d started to play.   
  


He shifted his weight from one foot to the other; not at all like the badass rock star that we knew him to be. I knew by the look in his eyes that whatever it was that he was going to tell me, it was very difficult for him, at this point I just wished that he would just spit it out.  
  


“I love you Tommy. It took me a long time to figure that out but I do. I love you. I’ve decided that it is time to man up, to admit that I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.”  
  


This was clearly not what I had been expecting. I had told myself that no matter what he said I wouldn’t be a baby, I would be a man. That seemed to be completely thrown out the window when Nikki said that. I could feel the tears prick my eyes. I had to be dreaming, either that or this was some sort of prank or cruel joke and I was going to kill whoever put the idea into Nikki’s head. It wasn’t right to play with people’s heads or hearts.  
  


“Nikki, after all the shit that we’ve been through, after all the shit that was said, are you shitting me or are you telling me the truth?” I knew that my words had the potential to be harmful but I had to know. If we were going to have a serious relationship, it was important that we were on the same page.  
  


Nikki was staring at me. He didn’t look mad, just confused. He took both of my hands into his. “T-Bone, if I didn’t love you, if there was even a splash of doubt in my mind, then I would not have said anything. I know that you tend to wear your heart on your sleeve and that has caused you a lot of pain in the past. This is no joke. I love you Tommy and I want to be with you forever.”  
At that point he leaned over and kissed me. When I opened my mouth to say something, he took the opportunity to slip his tongue inside my mouth. I was in heaven; I mean if I would have died that day it would have not been a tragedy.   
  


In my opinion we broke for air way too soon, but a man has to breathe when he has to breathe. When we broke for air, he closed his eyes, half-smiled and gave me this little laugh. That was when it dawned on me; he was just as scared and clueless as I was.  
  


He was looking at me, and he smiled. It wasn’t the lopsided; I’m up to no good but yeah, you should trust me smile. This was a genuine smile. I hadn’t seen one of those on him in years; it was nice to see that despite all the shit that he had been through, he was still able to smile. I know that this seems like a corny line out of some ridiculously stupid romance comedy but if you’ve read ‘The Dirt’ or ‘The Heroin Diaries’ then you know exactly what I’m talking about.  
  


I wrapped my arms around him. I could hardly believe how much our relationship had changed since the beginning of the month. I was in a mental debate with myself. I wasn’t sure if I asked him to come home with me, if he would, or if that would just scare him away. He must’ve seen the turmoil that I was in, because he smiled.  
  


“Stop thinking so much; you’ll burn out the few remaining brain cells that you have left.”  
I grinned. If it had been said by anyone else (except for Vince or Mick) I would have been insulted, but this was Nikki. I knew that he was joking. “Sorry dude, been doing that a lot lately. New habit I guess.”  
  


Nikki smiled, well, it was more of a smirk. I knew that if I didn’t ask him now then I never would and all the progress that we made would’ve been for nothing. “Do you wanna come back to my place?” I held my breath. If he rejected me now I would know that everything I thought we had was a joke to him—I was a joke to him.  
  


He put his over one of mine. “What in the hell took you so long to ask?”  
  


I released the breath that I had been holding, I intertwined I my fingers with his and we turned to walk out of the room together. I could hardly believe that we were going to do this. I had been dreaming of this day for so long, that I didn’t want to do anything that would either ruin our friendship or destroy any chances that we could have at being in a serious relationship.  
  


I was a jittery, nervous wreck all the way back to my place, despite the fact that I was now absolutely sure that this was what I wanted. I remembered the drive to work had seemed excruciatingly long and now the drive back home seemed way too short. Before I had to go over the scenario in my mind; we had already pulled up to my house.  
  


I tried not to shake too noticeably; I didn’t want him to think that I was a complete loser. I had to try to unlock the door; by the third try I guess Nikki realized that if he left it up to me; we would both be old by the time I managed to get the door open, because he took the keys from me; smirking while shaking his head.  
  


He got the door open on the first try. He obviously wasn’t even half as nervous as I was. He opened my door, stepped inside and waited for me to catch up. I swear he had walked in first on purpose; he gave me the opportunity to stare at his ass which I did.  
  


Eventually I followed him in, locking the door behind me. He was standing in my living room looking at the pictures I have in my walls. To me pictures (like my tattoos) are very important to me; almost as if they tell a story or at least that’s the way I look at it. I walked up behind him; “What ‘cha looking at?”  
“You’re pictures. You have a really good eye. I mean, sure the subject matter isn’t what I would pick but… they’re still quite good.”   
  


I smiled. That meant a lot coming from Nikki. It wasn’t like Nikki to just throw compliments at you, so when he said something nice about you or something relating to you, you knew that it came from his heart. “Thanks.”  
  


He leaned into me so briefly that I thought I had imagined it. Then he slipped his hand into mine, and squeezed slightly.  
  


“So, now that I’m here, what do you want to do?” By this time he had turned around, and the look that he was giving me made my mouth go dry. It was his green eyes, coupled with a smile that told me, that all I had to do was tell him what I wanted and he would agree to it.  
  


“Nikki, dude, you have no idea how many times I dreamt of all the things that we would do and all the things that I needed you to hear. Now that you’re here I can’t think of a single thing.”  
  


Nikki leaned up and kissed me. “I could think of a few things but they would involve moving to another room.”  
  


I swallowed audibly. I had a pretty decent idea as to what he could be referring to. I lead him to my bedroom, glad that I had had the notion earlier to clean it. Although, knowing Nikki as well as I do, I doubt he would have cared. We were kissing and walking back towards the bed, I was still terrified that this was either a really vivid dream or some cruel prank.  
  


He pushed me on the bed, straddled my hips and continued to kiss me. He slowly kissed a path to my ear, down my neck and stopped at my chest. Ever since getting my nipples pierced they are extremely sensitive, at this point in time, Nikki decided to exploit that. As he circled my nipple with his tongue, he had to use his own weight to hold me down as he started to gently suck on my nipple. He worked his way down my chest, and took a few minutes to play with my belly button.   
  


“I always thought you had the weirdest looking belly button on the face of the planet, but I also thought it was cute.”  
  


I tried desperately to catch my breath. “Nikki, don’t you think we should discuss this?”  
  


Nikki smiled at me as he started to unzip my pants. “I think that we’ve talked enough.”  
  


Not that I was unhappy with what was going on, this wasn’t the way I imagined. I always pictured our first time together as something that would be tender and gentle. Yes, I am that much of a romantic. But this? My thoughts were interrupted, as I was suddenly deep throated. Then the only question left in my mind was where in the hell he’d learned to do that.  
  


Nikki let go of my dick with a wet popping sound. I was panting and still hard as a rock. I looked at him; knowing full well that my expression was probably one of confusion. “Why did you stop?”  
  


He smiled at me as he palmed my balls and was gently rolling them in his hand. I couldn’t suppress the moan that escaped my mouth. I could hear him chuckle.   
  


“T, it’s not that I don’t admire how responsive and vocal you are, but when was the last time you got laid?”  
  


I could feel my face heating up. I was trying so hard not to blush but I could tell that was exactly what I was doing. I looked down at Nikki and he was looking at me as if I had done something unbearably cute.  
  


“All these years in the music business and you still blush.” Nikki mused, “That’s adorable.”  
  


I grinned, it was dopey, ear-to-ear grin but I didn’t care. I knew that he wouldn’t care either. We’d known each other for long enough, that big grins were just another part of what made us; us.  
His expression got serious. “Tommy, you can always walk away from anything. And it doesn’t matter how far we get, if it becomes too much or too intense all you have to say is stop and it’s done.”   
I nodded. I took a deep breath. I had no idea how much this would hurt. I just knew that it would. Nikki smiled at me and then began to undress. I love watching him undress and I think that I always have, I love the way he undresses, and I love watching his tattoos get slowly revealed. He laughed at me once, when I said that undressing should be an art form.   
  


Once he was naked, he pulled my pants off completely and sat in-between my legs. “Bend your knees.”  
  


I was shaking from nerves and he kissed my inner thigh. “It’s okay Tommy, just relax.” I nodded and took a deep breath, as he bent my knees towards my chest. I didn’t know what he was doing and I was too afraid to ask. I gasped when something warm and wet started darting in and out of my asshole. I felt Nikki hum softly as I lifted my knees higher. I was just about to come when he stopped.  
  


“Argg!” I yelled in frustration. “Why are you being such a bastard?”  
  


“I want you worked up; not completely spent.” As he spoke he put two of his fingers in his mouth and sucked on them. Once they were wet enough, he put one hand on my stomach and slowly started pushing the first finger in.   
  


I squeezed my eyes shut. The burn was unlike anything I had ever felt in my life. I inhaled slowly and then exhaled. He must have felt my stomach muscles tighten because he began to rub slow circles on my belly.  
  


“Do you want to stop?”  
  


I shook my head. He started to slowly push in the next finger. The burn intensified, it was almost to the point where I thought I couldn’t take it anymore. Then the pain dissipated, and the moan that came from me; I barely recognized it as my own.  
  


Nikki withdrew his fingers. He handed me a condom. “Put it on me.”  
  


I reached between my legs and rolled the condom onto his dick. As I felt the head press against my hole I tried to relax. As he pushed into me, I tried breathing out a steady beat. The burn was almost ten times worse then what his fingers had caused. I clenched my teeth and had to use all of my self-control not to fight him or pull away.   
  


“It’s alright T-Bone.” Nikki soothed.   
  


“Are you in?” I managed to grind out.  
  


Nikki leaned forward, so his face was inches away from my own. “I’m in.”  
  


“Don’t move yet.”   
  


He nodded and kissed my forehead. “Just tell me when.”  
  


I’d never felt full like this before. The burning had subsided but I had a sneaky suspicion it would return once he started to move. I took a deep breath and experimentally tightened my anal muscles around his dick; the action caused him to moan. “Okay, I think I’m ready.”   
  


At first he started a slow pace. His lips found mine and he swept his tongue across my bottom lip. I opened my mouth and he deepened the kiss. As our tongues battled for dominance, his rhythm got faster.   
  


He was pounding in and out of my body. It felt good but it bordered on pain. He would almost completely pull out and then slam back in, pressing down on a spot inside me that would drive me absolutely crazy. I wasn’t going to last for very much longer and I didn’t think that he was going to either.   
  


I pulled my knees closer to my chest. As I looked at him, I thought he looked absolutely gorgeous. His hair had fallen into his face, he had stopped kissing me by this point, and his eyes were shut. I could feel him swell inside me, at the same time I could feel my balls tighten and draw close to my body, we came together. And it was the most beautiful thing ever.  
  
  


 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy and Nikki figure something out and tell the rest of the band.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, the last chapter. I hope that you guys liked the story.

It’s insanely early in the morning. I am almost never up this early but there was no way that I was going to miss the opportunity to watch him be peaceful. As I watch him my stomach drops as the reality of what we did hits me. We fucked; I have no idea if that would’ve had an effect on our friendship. I bit my lip in frustration and worry. I was so busy worrying about it; that I hadn’t even noticed that Nikki was awake.  
  


Like I’ve said before, Nikki knows me better than anyone else. I’m not surprised that he picked up on the fact that I was upset. He leaned over and kissed the side of my neck. “What’s wrong Tommy?”  
I hadn’t wanted to bring this up so soon. I had wanted to enjoy the bliss of lying next to a warm body and pretending that when he woke up everything would be okay. But I crashed that. “I don’t know.” I ran a hand through my hair. “I’m just worried about us, what we did, and if that means that anything changes between us.”  
  


Nikki shook his head and looked into my eyes. I was terrified of what he would say and I was ashamed as I felt my unshed tears prick my eyes. “Tommy, it’s going to change some things. We have to decide if this was just a fling or if we want to try dating. If we do decide to date, then we have to decide how and when to tell Mick and Vince.”  
  


I smiled. “We won’t have to tell Mick. He ‘s known for about as long as I’ve had a crush on you. I don’t think Vince will say anything.”  
  


Nikki smiled. “Is this a one time deal?”  
  


I grabbed Nikki’s tattooed hand. “I love you Sixx. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I was blushing and I knew that I was being a hopeless romantic but I didn’t care. I had no back up plan; this was it. If he said no I had no idea what I was going to do. I waited, to see if the man of my dreams would accept or reject me, and I had been playing this waiting game a lot lately. I was hoping that this would be the last time.   
  


Nikki just smiled. It was an adorable, real smile. “Okay, it’s settled. This afternoon, once we get everyone in the room we’ll tell them.”  
  


I nodded, releasing the breath I’d been holding. “Okay.” I didn’t want to let Nikki know but I was nervous and unsure all over again. I was hoping that Vince wouldn’t act like a total dick about it. It’s no secret that he hates me but I’m hoping that because he and Nikki get along most of the time that he will be civil.  
  


Nikki lay back down, gently pulling me close to him forcing me to lie down. “Don’t worry about it.”   
  


“Okay.” I held him in my arms, grateful for the warmth of his body. It was hard to believe that after everything that we had been through he was mine at last.

It all started out well enough. Mick had beaten us to the studio but of course nothing was set up. So Nikki and I set up the amps, my drum kit and Vince’s stool. Vince came in and my stomach dropped. I had this horrible feeling that things were going to get ugly.  
  


Nikki squeezed my hand. That’s one thing that I love about Nikki he always seems to know when I need to be encouraged or comforted and he NEVER makes fun of me for being sensitive or for my love of flowers. I was surprised when he didn’t let go.   
  


“Tommy and I have something that we’d like to say. We’ve decided to go together. If anyone has a problem with that I suggest you say it NOW. We won’t care later and I can’t promise that we will care now.”   
  


Mick looked up from his guitar. “Way to go Tommy. ‘Bout fucking time.”   
  


Vince just shook his head I was surprised that he didn’t say anything. I had figured if Nikki and I were going to get flack from anyone it would be him. He just stood by the microphone, forever the diva.   
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that Tommy finally found someone that can stomach all of his flowers, crying spells, and whining when he doesn’t get his way.” His words would’ve stung but the smile on his face, let us know that he was joking. In reality he was probably genuinely happy for us.  
  


Nikki kissed me and it seemed out of place. I guess that was his way of saying that he was serious, and so was his threat of not caring if anyone had a problem with us. I couldn’t have been happier.   
Mick looked from Nikki and I to Vince and back again. “Okay, since that is out of the way, can we get to work now?”  
  


Nikki grabbed his bass, Vince helped Mick to strap on his guitar and I got comfortable behind my drums and picked up my sticks. Nikki turned and smiled at me, I smiled back. Yeah, I knew that I loved Nikki from the first moment I saw him but now Nikki knew it and he loves me right back. I know that we still have to face management, his Grandpa Tom, my mother and our siblings. But in the end none of that matters. All that matters is that I have Nikki and he has me.  
The end.


End file.
